


When Harry Met Lex

by laceymcbain



Category: Smallville, Spider-Man (Movieverse)
Genre: Crossover, Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Relationship Advice, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-26
Updated: 2011-03-26
Packaged: 2017-10-17 07:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/174158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laceymcbain/pseuds/laceymcbain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Osborn runs into his former Excelsior Prep classmate Lex Luthor, and Lex shares his advice on making relationships work in the superhero world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Harry Met Lex

"Hey, Harry, how's it going?"

"Hey, Lex. Things are okay."

"Just okay? Where's that girl you were dating, the redhead. Mary Jo?"

"Mary Jane, and it didn't work out."

"Oh, sorry to hear that."

"It's okay. It wasn't meant to be."

"Well, what about Peter? Isn't he usually your backup for these things when you don't have a date?"

"Yeah, well, things aren't going so well there either."

"What do you mean? You guys are best friends."

"I'm not so sure about that anymore, Lex."

"What happened?"

"Well, he stole my girlfriend and killed my father."

"Oh."

"And I've decided to take over my father's place as the Green Goblin and keep Spider-man in line."

"And you know ..."

"Oh yeah. I know it's Pete and he knows it's me. Makes dinner at his Aunt May's place an absolute hell."

"I can imagine."

"I guess you and Clark don't have those problems, huh?"

"You'd be surprised."

"Really?"

"I shot him with an Uzi, had him investigated for a year, was funding research that almost killed his father, accidentally involved his mother in a hostage-taking, and I kept a private shrine about him in my house. All before he was out of high school."

"Oh."

"And we got over it."

"That says a lot about your relationship, Lex."

"Yeah, but even now, we have our off days. I purchase a particle accelerator or two and the next thing I know I'm hanging off a rooftop listening to a lecture on responsible nuclear energy from a really pissed off alien."

"You know, though, if it wasn't Clark, it would be ..."

"Bruce. I know. Jeez, what is it with all these super-heroes and their soft spot for particle accelerators? What did particle accelerators ever do for them? And they can be used for something other than nefarious purposes."

"Like what, Lex?"

"Peter helped you with your chemistry homework in high school, didn't he?"

"Yeah."

"My point is that if you're going to keep the spandex club in line, you're going to step on a few toes from time to time. Besides, it keeps them sharp and they know it. Secretly they love it."

"They do?"

"Oh, yeah. They wouldn't be such big heroes if they didn't face some really challenging opponents once in a while. It's kind of like role-playing. We both get to work out our frustrations, use our talents, and we make sure nobody gets hurt."

"Nobody gets hurt?"

"Well, we've come close a few times. Clark totally fucked-up a rescue last month. I'd rigged this absolutely brilliant bomb with a chromium diode timer in a carbon filament casing with titanium alloy servos ... well, never mind the details, but let's just say that it was touch and go for a while. The building was scheduled for demolition anyway, so that wasn't a problem, but who knew that a giant robotic panda was going to descend on Metropolis the same day and start snapping light standards like bamboo? I mean, I really do like to keep my practical knowledge up-to-date, personal touch and all, but there was a communication break-down and this thing with the panda was totally unexpected. Clark barely got to me in time. Needless to say, if I'd had hair, it would've been singed. It was that close, Harry."

"So what happened when you got home?"

"Best. Sex. Ever. And that's saying something."

"Sex?"

"Don't look so shocked, Harry. Sex. I assume you've heard of it?"

"Sex. With Clark?"

"You went to the same all-boys school that I did, right, Osborn?"

"Yeah, I know, Lex, but ... whoa. I thought you guys were best friends."

"We are best friends. Friends who live together and have amazing sex after I try to take over the world and Clark stops me. We've got a nice little routine going."

"That's a little more than friends."

"Well, what about Peter? He's an attractive guy."

"What? No way, Lex. He's my friend. I've never thought about him like that."

"Never?"

"Well, maybe a few times, but ..."

"Uh-huh."

"But that doesn't mean anything! It's perfectly normal to want to be close to your best friend."

"How close do you want to be, Harry?"

"Lex!"

"All I'm saying is that maybe that's the problem. Maybe you've both been channelling your repressed sexual tension into a lot of anger."

"No way, Lex."

"Why not? It's easier to get mad at each other and stomp off plotting mayhem and vowing revenge than to sit down and talk about what you're feeling."

"Well, that's true, I guess."

"And you do love him, right, Harry?"

"What? Well, yeah, he's my best friend. He's the one person I can always turn to, the one person I want to share things with, and ..."

"And?"

"Oh God, I'm gay, aren't I?"

"I'd say bi, but you'll have to be the judge."

"When did I fall in love with my best friend, Lex?"

"Did he save your life?"

"Well, yeah ..."

"That did it for me. That and the green eyes and that body ..."

"Well, Pete does wear the spandex particularly well ... God, Lex, this is weird."

"It'll be strange at first, but you just might have to take a chance. Is he still with the girl?"

"No. That didn't last long. None of his relationships ever did."

"That's a good sign, you know."

"If you say so. But now what do I do? I can't just tell him, and I'd really rather not piss off Spider-man right now. He's still angry about the incident at the Daily Bugle Halloween party and staff pumpkin carving contest."

"Oh, I heard about that. That was you? Nice, but messy. I heard they were cleaning up pumpkin guts for days."

"Yeah, I guess pumpkin is hell to get out of spandex. Anyway, what do you suggest?"

"Well, next time you have a fight, instead of stomping off to your separate lairs, why don't you try ..."

Lex leaned in and whispered something in Harry's ear.

"Really? You think that will work?"

"If it doesn't, try ..."

Another low whisper, and Harry was nodding. His face flushed a deep red and he turned to look at Lex.

"Wow! That works, huh?"

"Oh, yeah. Every time. Believe me, Harry."

"Well, I should be getting home. I've got some work to do."

"Let me know how things turn out with Pete. I'm sure you'll have his spider-sense tingling in no time!"

"Thanks, Lex."

Harry smiled and waved as he left the room. Clark approached quietly and handed Lex a fresh drink.

"What was that all about? It looked pretty intense. I didn't want to interrupt."

"Just some advice for an old friend."

"Really? You look like you're plotting something."

"Who me?"

"Lex, if this involves a particle accelerator, you're sleeping on the couch."

"O ye of little faith. I was just helping Harry sort out some problems with his best friend. You remember Peter Parker, the photographer?"

"Yeah, he takes the Spider-man pictures." Clark's face indicated that he was well aware that the connection didn't end there. "What did you tell Harry to do?"

Lex leaned over and whispered in Clark's ear. Clark's face turned pale, then flushed bright crimson.

"You--you told him to do that?"

Lex leaned in and gently ran his tongue over Clark's bottom lip, then sauntered away with a pleased expression on his face. He turned back with a wink and smiled at Clark's stunned expression.

"Worked for us, didn't it?"

Clark returned Lex's grin instantly. He certainly couldn't argue with that.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Livejournal and the Smallville Slash Archive (SSA),July 2004.


End file.
